that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
