I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
