I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
She bit a glass in half.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Randomize
