I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
