Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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