I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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