If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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