ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
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