Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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