I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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