I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
