Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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