Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
