You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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