Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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