I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
