I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
