also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
