I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
My penis needs a shock collar
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
