Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I have grass duct taped all over my body
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
