She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
