True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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