If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
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