i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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