Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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