I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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