Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize