You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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