no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
