census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize