Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Randomize
