Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
