Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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