I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
