i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Randomize
