I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
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