can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I need to stop coming to work sober
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
