you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
