The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
