The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
