I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
This toilet bowl is my home.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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