My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
