I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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