I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
