she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
