wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Randomize
