I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
My vagina is very pro this idea
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
