So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
