I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Randomize
