You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Randomize
