i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
it glows. i had to have it.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I want her autograph on my taint
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
