I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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