you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
