please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
