you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize