i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
