I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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