Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
