party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
