i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
