One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
