It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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