Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
