Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
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