and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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