Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize