She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
